Chris Costa

Good day commonwealth! I am writing to you having just completed a very successful and rather intimidating sit-down with a Miss. Brandy MacFuss. Miss MacFuss is, let us say, scary to say the least. Her prowess and anger combat that only of a mule’s. It also seemed that she was not exactly pleased with my comments about Mr. Paine’s attire. Well, gazing upon her poor excuse for teeth, and as a result wishing the passing storm had struck me down in a blaze of lightning, did not make me wonder why she was not married. Eventually, I had to accept her for who she was and I decided to ask her a few questions, which she promptly answered. Occasionally spewing flames out of her jowls, I soon became worried for the life of myself and the others around me. However, Miss MacFuss was here to talk with me about her recent breakthrough in kitchen cutlery technology. She named her new line of utensils the “Positively Cutlery” line. I found it amusing that she originally had named her line of utensils the “Mackintosch” line, but found there were too many flaws within the line, even though the name sounded “fun” and “intuitive”. However, she revised the line and realized it needed a more suitable, superior name. As she was continually speaking with poor grammar, clearly due to her lack of schooling, I noticed how her garments actually pleased me. They were as is God himself blessed the calash bonnet and bodice she was wearing, making her look bearable. Soon after I had broken my subtle gaze, her speaking, or should I say “preaching”, caused me to enter into an involuntarily doze. Thankfully, her recurring spitting and shouts of bigotry kept me awake. She abruptly left when I mentioned how I could benefit from the new knives. Apparently, Miss MacFuss did not take kindly to sarcasm.

- Mr. Killington, Jamestown Gazette