Chris Costa

Good day commonwealth! I recently sat down with none other than the local minister, Father Maxi Brutus. I intentionally wanted to interview him based on his seemingly respectful reputation. I approached him and asked him nicely if he would care to talk with me for my local periodical. He happily obliged. He clearly did not know of my past articles, for his answer would not have involved the word “yes”. I interviewed him right on one of his own pews. He seemed comfortable and willing to talk about anything he had encountered over the years. He was Catholic and God was his almighty master. He loved the townspeople and welcomed visitors. Father Brutus baptized the newborns and laid the elderly down for their final rests. He is a good man and leads a life without regret. He asked if I would like to enter into a confession. I opted for one after the interview. I eventually asked him if he had read Thomas Paine’s pamphlet entitled, Common Sense. He smirked and clearly disregarded the question. I interrupted him and asked him to answer my question. The look on his face that followed was sent not from God, but from the Devil. He looked angrier than Jonathan Edwards after he heard a homily from an “unworthy” soul. The look read, “How dare you ask me something that clearly dominates my view of religion!” Or at least that is what I thought it looked like. I decided not to tempt the Devil and proceeded on with the interview, which was quickly spiraling downward. He told me of his home and how every room in his small abode contained a cross. Really? A cross in EVERY room? Somehow I do not think the Devil is just going to decide to show up one day in the kitchen and destroy the biscuits you so lovingly made. However, that is his choice and I respect his faithfulness to God. After all, it does take extreme dedication to serve a character that has never been physically confirmed. After the interview, I entered confession and spoke of my sins. I came out feeling relieved and, yet, still wondering something. How can we speak of our sins to a man of God and just have everything be dandy? Are we relieved of punishment due to the sole fact we spend 25 minutes in a small box? Are we not indirectly gloating about our sins and, therefore, condemning us to a life of Hellfire? I took a long walk after that interview. “What if?” That is the question we need to ask ourselves.

- Mr. Killington, Jamestown Gazette

Good day commonwealth! I am writing to you having just completed a very successful and rather intimidating sit-down with a Miss. Brandy MacFuss. Miss MacFuss is, let us say, scary to say the least. Her prowess and anger combat that only of a mule’s. It also seemed that she was not exactly pleased with my comments about Mr. Paine’s attire. Well, gazing upon her poor excuse for teeth, and as a result wishing the passing storm had struck me down in a blaze of lightning, did not make me wonder why she was not married. Eventually, I had to accept her for who she was and I decided to ask her a few questions, which she promptly answered. Occasionally spewing flames out of her jowls, I soon became worried for the life of myself and the others around me. However, Miss MacFuss was here to talk with me about her recent breakthrough in kitchen cutlery technology. She named her new line of utensils the “Positively Cutlery” line. I found it amusing that she originally had named her line of utensils the “Mackintosch” line, but found there were too many flaws within the line, even though the name sounded “fun” and “intuitive”. However, she revised the line and realized it needed a more suitable, superior name. As she was continually speaking with poor grammar, clearly due to her lack of schooling, I noticed how her garments actually pleased me. They were as is God himself blessed the calash bonnet and bodice she was wearing, making her look bearable. Soon after I had broken my subtle gaze, her speaking, or should I say “preaching”, caused me to enter into an involuntarily doze. Thankfully, her recurring spitting and shouts of bigotry kept me awake. She abruptly left when I mentioned how I could benefit from the new knives. Apparently, Miss MacFuss did not take kindly to sarcasm.

- Mr. Killington, Jamestown Gazette

Good day fellow commonwealth! I recently interviewed Mr. Thomas Paine about his critically acclaimed piece of literature entitled, Common Sense. The first thing that struck me was his choice of garments to wear. Had the Devil himself dressed this man? His unruly display of colorless, drab fabric forever stained my very impressionable mind. His doublet looked as if it were constructed out of the dirt at our very feet. It was as if nothing but dull fabric graced this man’s skin. Anyway, when Mr. Paine began telling me of his newly released work, I thought he was continually insulting me, due to his recurring use of the phrase “common sense.” Well, at least he was not just trying to poke fun at me. Even if he was, I would call that a meager attempt at most. Now, the title brought up a few questions. Common sense, what is it? Why do Americans lack it? Why would someone have the audacity to write such words of criticism? He answered all those very well and I mean VERY well. Mr. Paine spoke very intelligently and with the utmost respect for the American people. His mind was clearly focused on the people he so dearly loved and clearly not his breeches. Overall, besides his complete disregard for proper dress, Mr. Paine was a very intelligent man with a very strong passion for writing.

- Mr. Killington, Jamestown Gazette